A Guide to Having a Threesome During the Pandemic

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If there’s one thing the cursed year of 2020 has taught me, it’s that people will do anything to continue fucking. Physical intimacy was one of the major things that had to take a backseat through the lockdown given the very obvious fear of transmitting the Coronavirus to the other person, or getting it from them. The threat doubles when you are queer and are prone to freak over STIs. But hey, you try telling gay men to not screw each other for extended durations of time. Turns out, even in the face of a global armageddon, the body goes on wanting what it wants, and there is only so much masturbating that can get you through it.

Before the lockdown, my partner and I enjoyed the usual ménage à trois every few months because it became an easy way to rekindle the sexual tension within our relationship by inviting a third person into the mix. But picking a threeway partner is as complicated as finding someone for the long haul to settle down with. They have to meet the specifications of not one but two people, and also need to know what to do in bed with the said people. They also have to have no feelings for you whatsoever (no one needs the throuple trouble), and should be okay not being a literal third wheel.

As lockdowns eased, people went back to screwing each other like we used to. How many of them stayed safe from the virus, we don’t really know. But looking at the second surge of numbers in many countries around the world, one can make an estimated guess that even safe sex isn’t really going to stop the virus. I too am guilty of it, especially since I was locked away from my partner for four self-help months. So when we got together in July, we packed all that make-up sex into a week. And then we wanted more—a sacrificial lamb to quench our horniness. 

So, why do we like threesomes?

A threesome, between three people regardless of their gender, is a gleeful experience and I recommend that everyone should give it a try once, just so you can understand how much the pornos have been lying to us. Threesomes have been built up into these mystical experiences almost, a golden bridge only a few lucky ones get to tread. In his book, Tell Me What You Want, sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller says, “Most of these people (who want threesomes) are in long-term, monogamous relationships, and they are looking at threesomes as a way of injecting novelty into their sex life.”

In the case of a woman joining a couple, she is referred to as a Unicorn because it’s rare for women to be immediately into threesomes. But in the case of men, they might as well call us walruses because in my vast experience, a lot us are just ready to wobble into bed with multiple partners. Every man on Grindr wants a threeway, all the time. Also, as a comedian myself, I’ve noticed every straight comedian has a bit on threesomes because they wish they had that much action going on in their life.